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By David Shaw Kazmi
We
must polish the Polish furniture. /He could lead if he would get the
lead out. /The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
/Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present. /A bass was painted on the head of the bass
drum. /When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. /I did not
object to the object. /The bandage was wound around the wound. /The
farm was used to produce produce. /The dump was so full that it had
to refuse more refuse. /The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
/There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. /They were too
close to the door to close it. /The buck does funny things when the
does are present. /A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer
line. /To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. /The
wind was too strong to wind the sail. /After a number of injections
my jaw got number. /Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a
tear. /I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. /How can I
intimate this to my most intimate friend?
ISAN’T
ENGLISH A FUNNY LANGUAGE?
There
is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in
pineapple… /Is cheese the plural of choose? /If teachers taught,
why didn’t preachers praught? /If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat? /In what language do people recite at
a play, and play at a recital? /Ship by truck, and send cargo by
ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? /Park on driveways
and drive on parkways? /Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads,
which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We
take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it
that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce,
and hammers don’t ham?
If
the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices?
How
can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling
it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on. When the stars are
out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are
invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I
wind up this essay, I end it? English muffins were not invented in
England or French fries in France. How can “slim chance and a fat
chance” be the same, while “wise man and a wise guy” are
opposites?
Now
I know why I failed in English.
It’s
not my fault but the silly language doesn’t quite know whether
it’s coming or going.
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